The darkest night

The sound is deafening! What in the world is that mechanical noise?!

“Where am I, why does my head hurt SO bad?!” It’s amazing I was concious…it’s hard to explain how without mention of something beyond merely the physical.

On May seventeenth of twenty nineteen I woke up in my car to the sound of a lawnmower outside. The night before I had put a loaded twelvegauge shotgun with buckshot inside, to the roof of my mouth (to go through my hard-pallet to hit my brainstem causing instant death) and pulled the trigger.

There was a cross outside of the church: I pulled beside it, fell to my knees, prayed “please forgive me, I can’t take any more.” I loaded the shotgun, put the seat all the way back in my car and put the barrel in my mouth…

The people doing lawn maintenance at the church where I had parked my car to kill myself were beyond terrified by my looks: what had been my face was now a massive hole…no nose, no jaw, no teeth: just blood, lots of blood!

I tried to tell them I needed help but the words would not come out! I grabbed a peace of paper and wrote “I’ve shot myself, please get help.” What followed were months of hospital stays and my new life having survived a serious suicide attempt.

Published by TheProdigalSonDiaries

Hello all, I'm, Evan, 36 years old. I'm a born again Christian, amateur writer, lover of The Only Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, theology and poetry, and a suicide survivor. I hope to encourage, educate, and spark discussion through my blog. I pray it aids you in your walk with the Savior! You can contact me at

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