So, where to begin?! I’m honestly still trying to make sense of it, but something I realized after stands out to me.
I had dealt with depression for years on and off and struggled with a constant feeling of not belonging or having purpose or reason to live. I went in and out of hospitals for years: being stabilized, medicated and sent home “all better.” I would do well for a time until the thoughts and feelings would return.
I’ve been hospitalized and put on more meds than I can count. Each time after the stabilization period I would return to psychosis and despair. I would be drawn to alcohol use to numb the pain which made it much worse. Self harm and suicide attempts have left my body with numerous scars.
Five years ago I was involved in a serious motorcycle accident which left me with a severe traumatic brain injury and physical and psychological problems. My job, marriage ended, my “friendships, and aquantinces” ruptured. I had nothing, lost everything and was in the darkest pit of despair I’ve yet to be in.
The main thing that prompted my pulling of that trigger was shame and guilt. I made truly awful decisions following my TBI and the subsequent chaos that followed. I became animal-like: inappropriate relationships, alcohol and drug us…my life was a display of vulgarity and I began to realize all wrong I had done and it left me in despair.
2 Corinthians 7:10 states, “for godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, but worldly grief produces death.” I have found this to be an absolute fact! I had enormous grief over my actions…justifiably so. How I was living my life was an offense to God and absolutely despicable! However, correctly utilized that grief should have brought me to the cross of Christ for His forgiveness and grace.
I fell under condemnation for my actions. This isn’t to excuse how I lived, I was indeed wrong. However the reality is that God still loved/loves me and offers forgiveness and reconciliation in Christ! I didn’t focus upon the Savior and as a result was consumed with despair and chaos.
It’s been a really rough road! It’s amazing I’m alive, I thank my God everyday. I’m so aware of the power of guilt, the flesh, sin, the devil and most of all the absolute necessity and reality of Jesus’ victory won for me at Calgary!
I’ve made tragic decisions and lived a truly toxic life: but I’m forgiven, a child of God by His grace!