Welcome: please join me on this journey of introspection! I’m perplexed in understanding my past, my involvement in the church and my apostasy and in the end attempted suicide. What I mean is was I saved? I confessed Christ and was involved in the church and studied theology in depth. So there are three possible options in this scenario; I was a believer and subsequently lost my salvation and received it again, I was a believer and am a believer who was chastised by the Father, in love with self-imposed suffering, or I wasn’t a true believer.
So, first option: saved but I lost my salvation. While some will profess that indeed a true believer can loose their salvation, Scripture would dismiss such a claim. As salvation is a work of God, not by our efforts, ability, or works, we are not the one’s ultimately creating, and sustaining true faith and salvation…
…Cont’d: God is the one who keeps the believer in the true faith…it is not us. The idea of “loosing salvation” is to involve our flesh and works in the miracle that is the justification and keeping of the Christian. “You are being guarded by God’s power through faith for a salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time” (1 peter 1:5). “Who can bring an accusation against God’s elect? God is the one who justifies” (Romans 8:33).
Second option: I was a true believer but in my sinfulness, pride, rebellion, and hard-heartedness, the Loving Father gave me over to reap the deserved consequences of my wicked life. Think in terms of Fatherly discipline. “hand that one over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord” (1 Corinthians 5:5). And “Among them are Hymenaeus and Alexander, whom I have delivered to Satan, so that they may be taught not to blaspheme” (1 Timothy 1:20)…
…Cont’d…having found that my lifestyle was wicked, and having reaped destruction from my flesh, in His mercy, God embraced me once again in His loving care and brought me to repentance, faith, comfort, and to thinking in a right-mind regarding God’s call for holiness and obedience.
Third option: I wasn’t a true born again believer (John 3;3) and was instead a false-convert. As my previous posts have made known, I professed faith but lived in rejection of Christ’s lordship and in total disobedience. As Scripture testifies “You’ll recognize them by their fruit. Are grapes gathered from thornbushes or figs from thistles?” (Matthew 7:16). I bore only “rotten fruit,” Therefore indicating my unregenerrate state.
With that examined, I have either option two or three to “choose from:” I was a believer and experienced the Lord’s discipline in allowing me to reap destruction from my wicked ways, or I was a false convert only coming to true faith in Christ after the horror of my attempted suicide.
To be honest, I don’t know. I do know now however, that I am born again praise God! I am a new creation, justified completely and freely in Christ. I can testify to the danger and utter darkness of sin and our adversary satan. I can honestly say with full belief that our blessed God’s will is right in all His ways. The ways of man are destruction in the end. I’m washed in the spotless blood of the lamb. Our God is an incredible God: merciful Father, all powerful, all knowing, all loving, and to be absolutely praised!